today

its been a little bit since I have updated this. Lots has happened. But today something worth recording happened within me. I was reminded of me. Of God. Of love. Of the life I have had. Of what works. Of what I know. I spent the last bit pushing for what I want. The man I love to love me back the way I want, to be able to do whatever I want with no responsibility, to ignore the things I know hoping they don't matter, bathing in the tub of self pity and drama hoping to receive the attention my brain convinced me I was lacking, etc. Today I walked into church and looked in the classrooms around me, and you know that part in movies that are good, the ones that tug at your heart, not because they are cliche or anything but because you see that part of life that we all seek for, the part of love and family that people in the movies sometimes find. The feeling portrayed through written scripts, hours of hard research and individual actors efforts, the skill and training of filming and technology, and the finished product of many peoples hearts and beings put together to form something that represents that part of life we all see flinting glimpses of and then spend the rest of our days looking for. That joy. The joy some find in their parents love, or the love of their brothers, or the joy found in the bibles words, or the joy you feel on a sunny day in a park filled with happy children, or the joy you see in a father and their daughter hugging, or the joy portrayed when a fathers son catches that football he has been tossing to him, or the joy driving down the coast with the windows open and great music blasting, or the peace from the waves at the beach endlessly splashing along the sand, or the beauty of a young girl walking down the street with confidence in herself, or the brightness of a man sharing his success with his loving wife and children. TV shows, movies, books, music, art etc. all of these expressions seek to hit this spot. That spot of joy and peace and love. I saw this as I walked into church today and peeked into the classrooms filled with friends, and families, and little ones crying for parents, or singing to the children's songs. I realized that there it was right in front of me in real life. Not in a movie where the scripts were written or the sculpture of a hard working artist, but in life, real and tangible life. and that it had always been right in front of me, and whether it was the lack of a movie trailer, or the glamour of famous people, I had missed it, I hadn't seen it before, and I now saw it and it hit me how attainable it all was, for me and for those around me.

I realized then that all my 'weaknesses' had come from the insecurities in my world. The fear, the lack of faith, the drama, the addictions, the immaturity, the selfishness, the inability to listen, the mistrust, the disbelieve, all came from the insecurities in myself. I sat down on the familiar bench and instantly felt the guilt over the past two months. The endless reactions from those insecurities, that had interrupted the potential of joy, peace and that love spoke of above. I felt the regret of forgotten security. I was reminded of my beauty. I was reminded of the worth I had found in the things I know. About me, about life, about my family and friends. I was, not with words or even just emotions, but with something else I was reminded of life. Of living. Of the joy I had seemed to not see from before. I saw the walls shielding the sun those walls I had put up myself, with the illusion from my own lies, and from the expectations one feels when they spend life wanting more. It became clear to me that I was seeking that sunshine from inside, expecting to stay inside the walls I had created and still somehow feel the warm rays. It sounds cheesy but its how I can express it.

Why do I forget what I know? Who I am? The truth around me? in those in my life, and in life itself? one could say I like to forget, or that I don't really know, or that my beliefs or the way I live life doesnt 'fulfill' me or isn't me at all, or that I am just lying and that it's reality hitting me when I 'forget'. My heart knows it doesnt matter. It only matters that I continue to remember when I do forget. It only matters that today, today I felt what we see in those movies and entertainment and art. It matters only that I step outside again, expecting nothing, because once outside you instantly feel that warmth, and therefore no longer need to expect to find or not find it. you only need to feel it, and be grateful for it.

I found some of me today. Some of me that was always there but who I was ignoring. I thought for a moment my religious beliefs were not the path to my happiness, I saw today that my happiness is not contingent on anything outside of me, the organized religious affiliation/s, friends, family, money, weather, or belongings. It is only contingent on me. Adam fell that men might BE, and men ARE that they MIGHT have joy. I felt the truth of that today. I am sure there will moments I want to run inside again, when I feel like the sun is shielded by a storm cloud, or when I sit outside so long and the sun turns to night time, or when I simply begin to seek instead of just be, when I begin to think and live in my head rather than living in the truth of reality, or life. But today I found some clarity. I felt that clarity and for the first time since coming to california, I felt love for me from me, and from my father above. for the first time I felt the fear in me AND STILL smiled. It wasnt something someone said at church, or anything, it began with a simple pray. and the opening of my door. Some might think this is unnecessary to share with those of you have read this, but I am interested in you and your journey, I am interested in being me with you, and all this because of the Love and peace, and joy I felt today for me, which in turn makes me feel that for all those around me. I share this because I hope you will share your findings/realizations/experiences/joy with me also. Thank you for all your patience with me and with yourselves. And I thank whatever it is that led me to this day, for all of it, and mostly for the unconditional love of those who truly love themselves, and who truly love me, I hope to gain that ability more and more as I progress.

update .... its the only kind of date i got

its been a while since I left anything on here. not that there has been a ton that has happened. but I have learned some more things about myself. I had some tine 'Drama' with a friend a little bit ago, and this particular friend I tend to always have drama with and they always tell me I am dramatic, but really I don't feel like I'm as dramatic as they seem to think I am, but I realized I used to be all the time with them and now though I have changed in many other areas and have become less dramatic in those areas, I don't know how to be with this friend because all I have ever been in one thing. I realized with friendships that last, you start out in a role with each other, the older the younger, the one who cares the one who doesnt, the crush and the crushee, etc. and then because we change as we all do, it makes the friendship difficult because both parties are no longer the same and so those roles are no longer valid.

however, I dont think that the only option is that the friendship is over, or that the person necessarily has served their purpose in your life and now its time to move on. I think many times we have people in our lives who are only there to learn things from and then once you have they fall out of your life, but there are people who need to be in your life forever, and as things change so does the relationship. sometimes the change just happens naturally sometimes it takes effort.

I also learned about myself that I tend to panic, not like a outward panic, but like when I feel there are people who are slipping away from me, or perhaps like when things start to not go my way or i loose control, i tend to become extreme. If i think a friend is distancing themselves i over compensate by sending like 50 texts and calling too much and what not. Its all based on insecurity. I mean where does that insecurity come from? I mean seriously it doesnt matter who it is, or how much i already know they are there and will be no matter what, i still doubt. I hate being a doubter. But i also learned its all controled by my thoughts. i came back from vacation so down and in the dumps and upset with life and having to be in school and being single and my friends here not being really anything more than school friends, but i realized the only reason things were like that was because that is what my thoughts were doing.

i mean you can't change reality, but you can change how you react, feel and percieve reality by your thoughts, and its how we feel and percieve that leads us to our actions so if our thoughts are in line with optomisim, and channeled away from the negative thoughts that create unecessary darkness then life i feel might actually be easier. I then attended my seminary/institute class and it was reiterated there the power of thought. and I think that i truly feel this.

lots of learning. and now all i want is to go to california for the summer, work 40 + hours a week making money and then watching movies, and going to the beach with katie. I miss being so closely connected to people. I miss having those people to lean on when I can't stand alone. though my thoughts could help me not be miserable this summer if i stay home and just work with no friends, but i also know i wont have to work so hard to keep my thoughts positive if i am in california and with my friends.

so if you have really read all the way to this point and you happen to know of someone who wants their children watched, house cleaned and some help with rent and or utitilies and they live in southern california area or just a friend who needs a sublet for the summer give me a holler !!!! that would help me out so much!!!!!!

over due

So I have been reading this book and its not a mormon book, but I have found a lot of interesting things that I can see parallels with the church and it. I really like reading material and seeing movies and what not that are not really made by the church because there are so many people who spout and live and think the same things we do, yet they just don't think we are saying the same things, but a lot of it is the same. that being said, a lot is still different but I like to see the different ways to look at the same thing.

so this book is called A New Earth, its pretty good its by eckhart tolle. it's not a story book its one of those discussion new age books. but there was a passage that totally hit me the other day when i was reading at the gym.

"Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of the ego. You are closed. Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (which we could also call negativity) will creat more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side; (aka. God can't help you, or support you or comfort you when you close your self off to his love with the negitive thoughts you keep in your head and actions) life will not be helpful. If the shutters are closed, (our shutters that let in 'light' or you could say Christ, he did say he was the light of the world) the sunlight cannot come in. When you yeild internally, when you surrender, (come to Christ, commit to God, offer your will to his) a new dimension of consciousness opens up. (aka. a new sense of spiritual connection to that higher power/consciousness/god/enlightenment etc.) If action is possible or necessaryu, your action will be in alihnment with the whole (God) and supported by creative intelligence, (also God and Christ and their will's, which are the same purpose) the unconditioned consciousness which is a state of inner openness (as christians we call this humilty, and spiritually intune) you become one with. curcumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. (because you yourself are so open and willing to serve others and be served yourself, a princple Christ taught, and others) Coincidences (aka. miracles) happen. If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that comes with surrender. you rest in God."

I just loved this passage because here is this book that is not even written by my church and I can still recieve personal revelation that enlightens and motivates my spirit and person.

I spent a good month, (unfortunatley over christmas) where i just felt like sleeping, i was depressed. I wanted to be with my friends, i felt like my identity was somewhat diminishing because some of my friends were getting closer and I was missing out on the event. And half of my friends were getting engaged or seriously dating someone (the other half are now engaged) and I am not. I felt like I had the hardest semester ahead of me, it was cold and winter, and the friends I had were not really the kind where I just felt so connected to them. I was so engulfed in the throughts of my head i was resisting those that were trying to uplift me, those that provided advice to feel better, the ones who told me the honest truth that i was being silly that my friends did love me and that I simply needed to open my eyes and see it rather than talking to myself and my own thoughts.

This book mentioned this story of the author seeing on the subway in london this lady who was seriously talking in an angry way to empty seats next to her. The author followed her and the whole way she talked to the air, and when he realized she was going to the university library he himself was going to he was shocked to think someone like that would be going to a place like that. He then realized that we are all like this women, minus the fact we dont say everything we are thinking out loud. but how many times do you sometimes think something and realize you jsut said it out loud? the only difference is we stay in this social definition that says that is crazy to do. But really we are always 'talking' or thinking thoughts in our heads.

when i read this i realized how powerful these thoughts can be and how dangerous they can be if you let them take over your 'world'. I realized I was living in my thoughts and they were negative and not helping me progress to be any better or even just be. my head was identifying myself with negative things. I realized the only reason i felt so depressed was because somewhere in my head I got the idea that my identity, who i am, had to do with the people i knew, and my relationship status, and how close I am to my friends, and who much they love me. I realized that this was not me at all, in fact that was a lot of crap that was fuzzing the actual me.

I dont know I just liked that God was able to reach me in a way that provided truth that was not directly related to the church, and yet I was able to see the churches principles and doctrines that it teaches in this message. I feel like so many times people think that we as mormons only look for truth in our own church, and granted sometimes we do because we feel it is the clearest source you could say, but we forget there is so much beauty and truth out there that is all just saying the same thing. To love. To love god, to love your self, to love those in the world, to love those who were in the world, to love the earth, to love the life youve been given etc. and then to remember to give credit to the being who is responsible for it all. That is God. There are so many questions about why God does or doesnt do what he does. but sometimes those questions distract us from the greatest possble thing we can do and that is love him.

It sounds cliche and warm and fuzzy but its true and I just felt like adding to the piles upon piles of truth and testimony of truth.

the church i belong to, is something I treasure so much in my life, but ultimately it is the Love of God and when i Love him back that brings me happy, its simply that that love usually leads me to the Gosspel taught by the phrophets and appostles of the church of jesus christ.

New Years ....

So I felt that I needed to write some sort of New Years Resolution, hoping that by putting the effort to make it would help the chances of it all coming to pass in 2009.

And since Im pretty sure hardly anyone follows mine, i'm not worried about what I write :)

2008 was an interesting year. I can't even remember what I was doing last New Years, which pretty much explains the entire year. I spent 7 months simply working, or you could say waiting for school to start. Working at The Olive Garden, which became my life night and day. Then with the Highlight being the wonderful memories spent at EFY over the summer, and then finally school in the fall. But then what happened at school? I met some really awesome friends who I hope are still there when I get back and worked hard then not hard then kicked my butt to pass my classes. I got my car towed, got in a small car accident in the same day, had to pay 300 $ to get it out, and then drove through Sardine Canyon in a blizzard. That was the coolest event. My main goal was to get to school, to start the next chapter of my life and pursue this new road I felt was right for me. And I did that, and it was great, but I feel the year went by with not nearly enough to speak about it. OH i did stop biting my nails however, which if you know me that is a huge deal! I always bite my nails, but I did it to prove to myself that I have self control and I do, so now I just need to apply it to exercise, homework, eating healthy and scriptures etc.

so I guess that sets up a good segway to 2009 and my hopes for it. I am somewhat dreading this coming semester, knowing that it is going to be so hard and so much work and cold, and so many ppl are getting married, and I want so much and want to do so much. So the first thing I hope for it a different attitude, or more motivation. I need the motivation to keep pushing, even though I seem to feel so Blah. I hope not just to survive this next semester but I hope to survive and come out of it more educated and skilled, and filled with vibrance for life. Thats what I lack now.

I also hope to be more hopeful. In all catagories. I want to learn or rather feel that I have made progress with the instruments I am learning this semester. I want to LOVE photography instead of end up hating it because I might not b good at it. I want to feel good about me and what Im doing. Being Lazy just tends to make me feel too useless, so I want to be busy but not too busy to lend a hand or even just chat with a friend. I want to be braver than i was in 2009, not so affraid to take chances. I want to have more self disciplin in regards to homework, and movies, and TV, and spiritual and physical things.

I want to get EFY all summer! hahaha so that I can make the money i need by doing something so rewarding and fullfilling. I want to Get my fafsa filled out so fast and find out i get more financial aide this next year. I hope to learn a little bit more about who i am and in that reach for more. I want to get better at return and reporting. I want to enjoy the scriptures when i read them every morning. I hope to get better at mornin prayers. I hope to be more aware of the missionary moments im sure are around me that i miss. i hope to be more like the wife and mother i keep dreaming i want to be, now rather then when i actually am a wife and mother. I hope to loose the 'utah mormon' i seem to have adopted over the past year. I hope to find a way to be accepting and loving but also stand up for what i believe and show that it is the desire of my heart. I hope to be more devoute. I hope to learn with body mind and soul more fully the encompassing powers of the atonement. I hope to be someone who laughs when things go wrong and remembers to thank those deserving when things go right. i hope to find more answers for the questions i feel i need to know about myself and why i dont have all that i think i should. i hope to stop wishing for more and be content with what i have. i hope to be the kind of friend who is an example of love and give all the glory to him above. i hope to be the kind of person i look to. i pray and hope to be the person the lord looks to when he needs some help. I hope to be my testimony not just share it. i hope to be strong enough or solid enough in who i am and what i know in my heart that i will stop going for guys that dont like me and be ok enough to accept that without a long dramatic roller coaster ride. (dumb girls)

i hope to be kinder to my parents, remembering the things i am grateful for and the things that they do that make them such great parents. i hope to stop passing judgement and learn that there is more than i know.

i hope to take the opportunities i am given to be someone who wants to serve those around me. i hope to be more willing because it lifts another rather than because of my benefit.

i hope to see my NY family, and be a better example to them than i was before. i hope to share with them the changes ive made in me, and embrace their changes also. i hope to be loved by those i love, but to be loved for the right reasons. i hope to have more faith, in ALL areas and relationships in my life.

I hope that at the end of 2009 when i am 24 that i will believe christ and in myself more and that i will feel that though i might not have made perfect success that i can say i made progress and that i have come out closer to the will of my father which i trust is mine, a place and person of joy, laughter, peace, love, and happiness.

I told you i hoped and wanted alot. of course the number one thing i must remember is i cant do all this alone. and at this point in my life my companion is the lord and i hopefully will rely on him and lean to him when i cant find the strength, sense, or motivation to move along.

2009 will be a good year. its already decided now its up to me and my attitude to make that my reality. :)

FINALS ARE OVER!!!!

So I figured finals would be easy? what a freshman asumption. right? Well i made it, i had 7 finals total. music theory, music therapy, aural skills, keyboarding, english/shakespeare, sight singing, and psychology. It was ridiculous. But now im done and I just get to go home and enjoy the cold snugglyness of winter and the season while stressing about the lack of money i have and my current relationship status of oh wait.. yes thats right single again. this will make exactly 23 christmas's with no companion of any kind. I know I am supposed to be all patient and focused on the Lord and only him rather than thinking of what I don't have and what I could have, but it sure is hard not to when EVERYONE around you is seriously getting engaged. Jenni, Jared and Cami, Ben and Jessica, and Im sure a thousand more are too. But what can you do right? Not to mention that I just found out that I still won't get to see my marine friend S in febuary because the stupid marines are so stupid!!! he is now having to go to hawaii for like 3 months. I mean seriously is it so much to ask the universe to just keep in in one place long enough for his friends to be able to see him? I feel like I have been so good and so patient while he has been gone and normally i would have been so much more dramatic but I truly have been so good but I guess I am going to just have to be more. I must say that ultimately after ranting I am able to think a little more logically, so life truley is amazing. On monday was my birthday and I spent over 10 hours sitting on my couch studying but people came over and were so sweet!!! The whole day was great, first I got ROSES that would be number 2 roses from a guy (hahaha) but seriously it made the whole day so good, mostly because it was so unexpected, it was from that marine friend that i don't get to see, not something i would expect him to do which made it so good. then some friends brought me a cake and i got a scarf and chocolate from some other firends, there are some seriously amazing people in my life. that i can never deny and never will!!! not to mention that my NY family seriously warms my heart everytime i think of them i wish i could see them and we could all just go swinging in central park. who knows. Life is for the most part great. and I am so happy to be in school, and it might sound cliche but God and church and the spirit and my testimony has grown so much, but I need to now adopt a little bit more patience and achieve a more accepting attitude like i had before in NY. its a hard balance to find when you feel that the church offers the priesthood and doctrine of a supreme being who has created everything and who only wants us to grow and become better than we were before through his ordinances and covenants and through lifes experience, and then also to accept it when the people you love dont see that and then not to judge them for the things they do that you believe are hindering the will of god, but i guess all things whether religion or not are a balancing learning act. :) all is well and finals are over thank heavens and im excited for christmas!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I liked this poem

To the one I love...

in another place and another time,
would it be right to call you mine?
for when i gaze into your eyes,
i see the truth beyond the lies.
all the tongues and words untold,
fail to say what your eyes doth hold.
i long for you but now i see,
the love in you is not of me...

A long lost letter from my father in heaven.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively, but God says 'No," not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone with giving your self totally and unreservedly to me, to have an intense personal relationship with me alone. I love you my child. Until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that i have planned for you. you will never be united with another until you are united with me. Exclusive of any other desires, or longings, i want you to stop planning, and stop wishing. Allow me to bring that person to you, you just keep watching me, expecting the greatest thing, keep listening and learning the things i tell you. youjust wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at the things other have or what I have given them. Don't look at things you think you want. You just keep looking up to me, for you will miss what i will show you. When you are ready I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful than you ever have dreamed of. You see, until you are ready and until i have the one for you ready, i am working even this minutes to have you both ready at the same time. But not until you both are satisfied exclusively with me, and the life i have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me. This is perfect love. And dear one, i want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with. Remember it is hard to stumble on your knees. - Your Father In Heaven.