update .... its the only kind of date i got

its been a while since I left anything on here. not that there has been a ton that has happened. but I have learned some more things about myself. I had some tine 'Drama' with a friend a little bit ago, and this particular friend I tend to always have drama with and they always tell me I am dramatic, but really I don't feel like I'm as dramatic as they seem to think I am, but I realized I used to be all the time with them and now though I have changed in many other areas and have become less dramatic in those areas, I don't know how to be with this friend because all I have ever been in one thing. I realized with friendships that last, you start out in a role with each other, the older the younger, the one who cares the one who doesnt, the crush and the crushee, etc. and then because we change as we all do, it makes the friendship difficult because both parties are no longer the same and so those roles are no longer valid.

however, I dont think that the only option is that the friendship is over, or that the person necessarily has served their purpose in your life and now its time to move on. I think many times we have people in our lives who are only there to learn things from and then once you have they fall out of your life, but there are people who need to be in your life forever, and as things change so does the relationship. sometimes the change just happens naturally sometimes it takes effort.

I also learned about myself that I tend to panic, not like a outward panic, but like when I feel there are people who are slipping away from me, or perhaps like when things start to not go my way or i loose control, i tend to become extreme. If i think a friend is distancing themselves i over compensate by sending like 50 texts and calling too much and what not. Its all based on insecurity. I mean where does that insecurity come from? I mean seriously it doesnt matter who it is, or how much i already know they are there and will be no matter what, i still doubt. I hate being a doubter. But i also learned its all controled by my thoughts. i came back from vacation so down and in the dumps and upset with life and having to be in school and being single and my friends here not being really anything more than school friends, but i realized the only reason things were like that was because that is what my thoughts were doing.

i mean you can't change reality, but you can change how you react, feel and percieve reality by your thoughts, and its how we feel and percieve that leads us to our actions so if our thoughts are in line with optomisim, and channeled away from the negative thoughts that create unecessary darkness then life i feel might actually be easier. I then attended my seminary/institute class and it was reiterated there the power of thought. and I think that i truly feel this.

lots of learning. and now all i want is to go to california for the summer, work 40 + hours a week making money and then watching movies, and going to the beach with katie. I miss being so closely connected to people. I miss having those people to lean on when I can't stand alone. though my thoughts could help me not be miserable this summer if i stay home and just work with no friends, but i also know i wont have to work so hard to keep my thoughts positive if i am in california and with my friends.

so if you have really read all the way to this point and you happen to know of someone who wants their children watched, house cleaned and some help with rent and or utitilies and they live in southern california area or just a friend who needs a sublet for the summer give me a holler !!!! that would help me out so much!!!!!!