FINALS ARE OVER!!!!

So I figured finals would be easy? what a freshman asumption. right? Well i made it, i had 7 finals total. music theory, music therapy, aural skills, keyboarding, english/shakespeare, sight singing, and psychology. It was ridiculous. But now im done and I just get to go home and enjoy the cold snugglyness of winter and the season while stressing about the lack of money i have and my current relationship status of oh wait.. yes thats right single again. this will make exactly 23 christmas's with no companion of any kind. I know I am supposed to be all patient and focused on the Lord and only him rather than thinking of what I don't have and what I could have, but it sure is hard not to when EVERYONE around you is seriously getting engaged. Jenni, Jared and Cami, Ben and Jessica, and Im sure a thousand more are too. But what can you do right? Not to mention that I just found out that I still won't get to see my marine friend S in febuary because the stupid marines are so stupid!!! he is now having to go to hawaii for like 3 months. I mean seriously is it so much to ask the universe to just keep in in one place long enough for his friends to be able to see him? I feel like I have been so good and so patient while he has been gone and normally i would have been so much more dramatic but I truly have been so good but I guess I am going to just have to be more. I must say that ultimately after ranting I am able to think a little more logically, so life truley is amazing. On monday was my birthday and I spent over 10 hours sitting on my couch studying but people came over and were so sweet!!! The whole day was great, first I got ROSES that would be number 2 roses from a guy (hahaha) but seriously it made the whole day so good, mostly because it was so unexpected, it was from that marine friend that i don't get to see, not something i would expect him to do which made it so good. then some friends brought me a cake and i got a scarf and chocolate from some other firends, there are some seriously amazing people in my life. that i can never deny and never will!!! not to mention that my NY family seriously warms my heart everytime i think of them i wish i could see them and we could all just go swinging in central park. who knows. Life is for the most part great. and I am so happy to be in school, and it might sound cliche but God and church and the spirit and my testimony has grown so much, but I need to now adopt a little bit more patience and achieve a more accepting attitude like i had before in NY. its a hard balance to find when you feel that the church offers the priesthood and doctrine of a supreme being who has created everything and who only wants us to grow and become better than we were before through his ordinances and covenants and through lifes experience, and then also to accept it when the people you love dont see that and then not to judge them for the things they do that you believe are hindering the will of god, but i guess all things whether religion or not are a balancing learning act. :) all is well and finals are over thank heavens and im excited for christmas!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I liked this poem

To the one I love...

in another place and another time,
would it be right to call you mine?
for when i gaze into your eyes,
i see the truth beyond the lies.
all the tongues and words untold,
fail to say what your eyes doth hold.
i long for you but now i see,
the love in you is not of me...

A long lost letter from my father in heaven.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively, but God says 'No," not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone with giving your self totally and unreservedly to me, to have an intense personal relationship with me alone. I love you my child. Until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that i have planned for you. you will never be united with another until you are united with me. Exclusive of any other desires, or longings, i want you to stop planning, and stop wishing. Allow me to bring that person to you, you just keep watching me, expecting the greatest thing, keep listening and learning the things i tell you. youjust wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at the things other have or what I have given them. Don't look at things you think you want. You just keep looking up to me, for you will miss what i will show you. When you are ready I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful than you ever have dreamed of. You see, until you are ready and until i have the one for you ready, i am working even this minutes to have you both ready at the same time. But not until you both are satisfied exclusively with me, and the life i have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me. This is perfect love. And dear one, i want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with. Remember it is hard to stumble on your knees. - Your Father In Heaven.

Thanksgiving!

I am going home for thanksgiving and I am so excited to just be around family. I have bucket loads of homework but I am still excited. I got this idea from my friend Niki, but I kind of wanted to make a list of the things I am grateful for. so here I go.
-my NY family (Katie, linds, Dactyle, Ben, S, Jeremy, Diego,)
-my parents
-my syblings
-AMDA experience
-the support of my family in my pursual of my dreams
-to be enrolled in school with a plan to pay for it.
-to have the luxuries of the temporal world
-to have a testimony of the true gospel
-to pass many temples no matter where i drive in utah
-to have the abilities to drive and do other physical activities
-for the passionate connection and appreciation i have for music
-for the talents of music God has given me
-for those who have provided ways for me to enhance those gifts
-to have the abilities to interact with people and enjoy the spirits of others
-to laugh
-to cry for the pain of others
-to cry when feling sorrow
-the ability to share who i am with others
-to have the cognitive ability to learn
-for the desire and passion to learn
-for the joy of living in america with so much opportunity
-for the smiels of others
-the ability to listen
-the understanding of people and their personalities
-the kindness of those here in logan that reach out to me
-the experiences i have had with those of other faiths and the lessons they have taught me
-the books and resources we have that uplift and enlighten our minds
-film and theatre that open up imaginations capability to help us understand life and people
-the skills my parents both heavenly and earthly have taught me
-prayer
-modern day communication and technology
-the holy ghost and my relationship with it
-my first seminary experience
-institute and sunday school and lessons
-Love of God
-Love i feel for others

There are so many more things i could list but here are just some of them i can think of. I am challenging myself this week to keep my thoughts as godly as possible so that i can enjoy the spirit of this season that of gratitude and giving!

mental and spiritual stimulation

ya this might not be that exciting to read, then again i dont think too many read this. But tonight in institute we talked about forgiveness then we talked about those of us who live the gospel and feel that life just never gets better, or mostly how the more 'wicked' a person seems the better their life seems and just how backwards that seems. I got thinking about one of the examples brother jacobs said, he told us of a girl who said she had always done what was right and yet her roomate who was always doing things that were not good was the one who was getting asked out and who seemed to be floating through life. I related somewhat, God knows my life has not been perfect but i do feel that i have made peace with my past and that the person i am today is not the person i was before, therefore i am not to be judged by who i was only who i am today.

so i still relate, and yet i didnt know what kind of an answer i would give to this girl or to myself. I mean we talked of reasons, we talked of how there must be oposition and how things that are rough make us strong and about how the wicked will get their reward that our reward in the end will be greater. But it didnt make my heart that is acheing to move into the next phase of development, which according to eriksons stages of development would be the independance vs. intimacy. hahahaha gotta apply what i learn so i remember it right? pretty much i dont know what the answer is.

i guess this entire journey we are on is about being able to rise above all these physical and temporal desires and drives we have right? and that any time we 'endure well' the hardships, trials, or what ever we will be blessed.

of coures then we talk of being just and good, and to be that wouldnt you say your motives to do good and follow the lord would be for being good solely? i mean should't i want to do something because i know its good and right rather than because i know it brings blessings. I realized i started the habit of going to the temple once a week, not really understanding how that would bless my life but knowing that is what people say happens. what a terrible selfish reason to do the work of the lord right? i mean the higher motive, the motive that those who will enter the kingdom of God will have learned is to do good for the simple reason to do good. I realize i am not who i can be yet, but i see how each choice turns my character toward one that is in harmony with god, his other creatures and itself, or one that is not in harmony with god, others and itself. and because of this wonderful lesson and gift i realize that life is actually partly about change.

it is about us changing who we are now to something better tomorrow. it is about achieving that place at the 'end' of this journey that will ultimately give us the chance to continue on the next path or journey. I guess that i should be greatful for the trials and struggles i face, because they are providing opportunities to choose to change my being, to be even more than i am. perhaps i just need a change in perspective to see my struggles as blessings. these are my aspirations in a spiritual, moral, sense. I only hope things will continue down the right path and that at some point i will get to have a companion. its like the game of life, i always was the last one to get a partner in my little car, hehehehe but i did get to do some pretty cool things others didnt. and they had way more bills than i did for a lot longer.. hahahahhaa life is pretty good to me.

i have also decided i want to emmerse myself in the amish culture even just for a little bit, i wonder if they would let me. to just see their way of life and feel what their life is, even just a partical. they sure have some things figured out i would love to figure out.

To Lindsey.... So we can keep in touch! :)

Ok so this is my first blog, and i am writing mostly for Lindsey because she and i are so bad at keeping in touch with one another. The last time I saw her she didnt live in the same apartment and her hair was a foot longer and auburn instead of blonde. So pretty much I am dedicating this first post to her, however if any one else reads it i simply warn that it might not make a lot of sense.

Ok so lindsey, the last thing i told you, if i remember correctly about the Big B, which is by the way what we are calling him, or 'stupid boy' but that is only when i feel childish. ;) if i remember right the last thing i told was, actually i dont remember what i told you at all, luckily it does not matter. The gist of it all is that his missionary comes home on friday, and the time before the last time i hung out with him he said that he didnt care about me. Let me explain. So one sunday about 2 sundays ago, i was kindly and friendly informed that he had decided that it was rediculously restricting and silly of him to commit himself to this girl coming home. I think it was a good decision one he should have made some time ago, but i didnt get the impression he was telling me in a way that was hinting, but why else would he tell me that right? so that sunday we began to start to make apple dumplings, (we tend to cook together, which i love and hate at the same time) and it was pure fun, i was not letting things get awkward of too touchy. however he had a meeting so we didnt finish so after our ward choir and what not we went back over to his place to finish the dumplings. however, when he came back over he was all in a different mood and i figured he was tired or something, well just like it always is the elephant can't stay hidden forever so he began by saying why are you still around? which automatically pissed me off. i mean your basically saying i dont want you to be around, but instead of saying that you ask the question. lame. so to make a long night short, we were walking home and i was so angry that i told him to just say it out loud that we have no hope, that there is no hope in the future for us, so he did. which i assumed was the truth but to hear him say it, though necessary, hurt more than i thought it would. so he then told me to tell him to stop leading me on. which i did with a load of disgust for him. and then he went away and i layed on the cement and cryed like a dramatic movie from some twisted chic flick. and after discussions with one of my new favorite people, madelyn, i decided i was going to fake it till i made it. I was going to pretend i was completely good, that he didnt affect me at all, even though it did. now you know how bad i am at following my own rules, so it took me a little bit but i am pretty good at it now. well so i saw him a few nights later and he told me i was no longer a 'threat', threat to what im not sure, something about his missionary or maybe just to him being happy because lets be honest i, thanks to the many wonderful people in my life, am awesome. ;) i asked him why i was no longer a threat and he told because he didnt care anymore, that if 'this' was going to go on, it was up to me, i asked what This was he said us hanging out, this ticked me off, so basically if i didnt put any effort in we would just become aquaintances. which is lame, and stupid, and immature! the rest of that night was really fun, and since then we have hung out one eveing and it was all fun, in fact i was not that nice to him, which i think he sometimes needs because he is a little cocky sometimes.
so now? you ask, well i dont know, i dont know that even if he came crawling back if i would take the chance. but ultimately it doesnt matter because he has decided to be weird sometimes and not. Ultimately i need to just move along completely but i cant figure out how to move along and also remain civil and friends with him. i told my dad what he said about not caring about me and he said that he was a coward and using an escapist answer. which made me and my mom laugh, but i doubt would make him laugh.

he is a great guy, dont get me wrong, but i think my biggest frustration is i can still see the potential picture in my head that is not perfect but looks like something i would want, but unfortunately that picture is only seen by me not him.

i spole today in church on choice and accountability and it was pretty good, my whole family came up to listen and then we all went out to lunch which was nice even if it was a sunday. my roomate amelia was so mad at Big B supposedly the entire time i spoke he looked down at the floor and couldnt look at me. Which makes me curious to why, i mean why? hmmmm well other than that i am good. school is wrapping up and i am pulling to get a good grade in my major class but enjoying time and people here too!

lindsay from new york is coming the beginning of dec for my birthday so that is great!!! and i am taking a photography class this next semester, and getting a new camera for christmas, its a really fancy one, and im paying for the fancy.

so now i want you to email me or comment back and give me the DL about you and Tyler!!!

love you.