today

its been a little bit since I have updated this. Lots has happened. But today something worth recording happened within me. I was reminded of me. Of God. Of love. Of the life I have had. Of what works. Of what I know. I spent the last bit pushing for what I want. The man I love to love me back the way I want, to be able to do whatever I want with no responsibility, to ignore the things I know hoping they don't matter, bathing in the tub of self pity and drama hoping to receive the attention my brain convinced me I was lacking, etc. Today I walked into church and looked in the classrooms around me, and you know that part in movies that are good, the ones that tug at your heart, not because they are cliche or anything but because you see that part of life that we all seek for, the part of love and family that people in the movies sometimes find. The feeling portrayed through written scripts, hours of hard research and individual actors efforts, the skill and training of filming and technology, and the finished product of many peoples hearts and beings put together to form something that represents that part of life we all see flinting glimpses of and then spend the rest of our days looking for. That joy. The joy some find in their parents love, or the love of their brothers, or the joy found in the bibles words, or the joy you feel on a sunny day in a park filled with happy children, or the joy you see in a father and their daughter hugging, or the joy portrayed when a fathers son catches that football he has been tossing to him, or the joy driving down the coast with the windows open and great music blasting, or the peace from the waves at the beach endlessly splashing along the sand, or the beauty of a young girl walking down the street with confidence in herself, or the brightness of a man sharing his success with his loving wife and children. TV shows, movies, books, music, art etc. all of these expressions seek to hit this spot. That spot of joy and peace and love. I saw this as I walked into church today and peeked into the classrooms filled with friends, and families, and little ones crying for parents, or singing to the children's songs. I realized that there it was right in front of me in real life. Not in a movie where the scripts were written or the sculpture of a hard working artist, but in life, real and tangible life. and that it had always been right in front of me, and whether it was the lack of a movie trailer, or the glamour of famous people, I had missed it, I hadn't seen it before, and I now saw it and it hit me how attainable it all was, for me and for those around me.

I realized then that all my 'weaknesses' had come from the insecurities in my world. The fear, the lack of faith, the drama, the addictions, the immaturity, the selfishness, the inability to listen, the mistrust, the disbelieve, all came from the insecurities in myself. I sat down on the familiar bench and instantly felt the guilt over the past two months. The endless reactions from those insecurities, that had interrupted the potential of joy, peace and that love spoke of above. I felt the regret of forgotten security. I was reminded of my beauty. I was reminded of the worth I had found in the things I know. About me, about life, about my family and friends. I was, not with words or even just emotions, but with something else I was reminded of life. Of living. Of the joy I had seemed to not see from before. I saw the walls shielding the sun those walls I had put up myself, with the illusion from my own lies, and from the expectations one feels when they spend life wanting more. It became clear to me that I was seeking that sunshine from inside, expecting to stay inside the walls I had created and still somehow feel the warm rays. It sounds cheesy but its how I can express it.

Why do I forget what I know? Who I am? The truth around me? in those in my life, and in life itself? one could say I like to forget, or that I don't really know, or that my beliefs or the way I live life doesnt 'fulfill' me or isn't me at all, or that I am just lying and that it's reality hitting me when I 'forget'. My heart knows it doesnt matter. It only matters that I continue to remember when I do forget. It only matters that today, today I felt what we see in those movies and entertainment and art. It matters only that I step outside again, expecting nothing, because once outside you instantly feel that warmth, and therefore no longer need to expect to find or not find it. you only need to feel it, and be grateful for it.

I found some of me today. Some of me that was always there but who I was ignoring. I thought for a moment my religious beliefs were not the path to my happiness, I saw today that my happiness is not contingent on anything outside of me, the organized religious affiliation/s, friends, family, money, weather, or belongings. It is only contingent on me. Adam fell that men might BE, and men ARE that they MIGHT have joy. I felt the truth of that today. I am sure there will moments I want to run inside again, when I feel like the sun is shielded by a storm cloud, or when I sit outside so long and the sun turns to night time, or when I simply begin to seek instead of just be, when I begin to think and live in my head rather than living in the truth of reality, or life. But today I found some clarity. I felt that clarity and for the first time since coming to california, I felt love for me from me, and from my father above. for the first time I felt the fear in me AND STILL smiled. It wasnt something someone said at church, or anything, it began with a simple pray. and the opening of my door. Some might think this is unnecessary to share with those of you have read this, but I am interested in you and your journey, I am interested in being me with you, and all this because of the Love and peace, and joy I felt today for me, which in turn makes me feel that for all those around me. I share this because I hope you will share your findings/realizations/experiences/joy with me also. Thank you for all your patience with me and with yourselves. And I thank whatever it is that led me to this day, for all of it, and mostly for the unconditional love of those who truly love themselves, and who truly love me, I hope to gain that ability more and more as I progress.