whos insane? oh me? right right i know your right

ya the past two months has been crazyness.. the first month out here was great because I got to see my friends alot and they were fun but my best friend was so preoccupied with her fiance leaving for afganistan i was alittle attention hungry and felt like I was just in the background but I was at least not a crazy person at that point. Then right when he left I started being crazy. literally not myself. I also wasnt too concerned with attending church because the weekends were the time I could spend with my friends. which is terrible because that was seriously one of the only things i felt before i came that i needed to not compromise my priorities well i didnt listen to that and i think that is partly why i started letting myself get crazy. I also started to have some pretty strong passionate feelings for my friend who I was in love with a few years back in NY. and that always causes problems because he is not interested like that back at all. He loves me as his friend but we really would not make one another happy at all. he also pretty much only knows crazy mckenna rather than the fun loving, easy going, confident mckenna that i can be. but that caused some problems and i just went down into this spiraling pit of depression. I felt guilty for puting church on the back burner and I was mad at myself because I thought i had made all these efforts to be a 'differen't person the kind that doesnt flip out over stupid things and is confident and here i was being worse than ever. and I felt guilty because i didnt want to go to church and so I wasnt reading scriptures or really praying hardly ever and i was letting so many fears enter my head, like the fear that katie and ben were going to get married and then me and katie wouldnt be best friends anymore and the fear that all my friends out here would go away and not be my friends anymore because I was still this dramatic crazy lady and on top of that i had to face the reality, for the second time, all because of me which didnt help my depression, that the man i was letting myself be in love with again will never work out with me. plus i was doing everything wrong not once did i do something right. everytime i went to see him we had to have some stupid chat and I ended up making stupid little things a big deal. which then after we chatted and i felt better about what we woudl chat about i would then only feel more guilt for having to have done that and not just having fun. so i was starting to feel pretty shitty. and i didnt know how to stop. I felt like my friends were frustrated with me and sick and tired of my crap and fed up with trying to tell me how to fix it because they did try but it was like i heard them but couldnt figure out how to just DO what they were saying. the other night was pretty bad i havent cried so hard that i thought i was gonna throw up but i did that night. and i understood a sliver of the ugliness you have to feel when you consider dumb things like suicide and what not. i wasnt thinking of doing it just i understood the mindset a pinch of what it takes. it was bad.

i also have been dealing with church stuff. i think because i have been doing all the right things out in logan, temple weekly scriptures church firesides all that crap it was a huge thing to have something so drastic happen, even tho it was my fault it happened. but i was so unhappy and my friend suggested that it was my faith that made me unhappy, so i thought fine im gonna put it aside and live life like its not there. i didnt go get drunk and do drugs or have sex or anything but i didnt think about god and i didnt read or do church.. and can i tell you it was worse. it didnt get better. i bore my testimony in church because katie went with me and she was like are you gonna get up there? are you? and i was like dang it fine ill get up there and it was pretty much a confession that nothing made sense to me anymore and all i knew was that i had missed some of the foundational things like my relationship with god and christ and that that was where happiness comes from. eternal happiness i think is what makes our religious gospel so true, but happiness here in this life i dont think has anything to do with the gospel you affiliate yourself with its about your relationship and honesty with yourself, the world around, you and you father and brother in heaven. i realized that i still cant answer like any questions about anything that my friends ask me because i just cant remember or learn every little thing about our doctrine of why we do what we do, but i do know that it brings happiness to me. it doesnt make things perfect but it makes me happier if i go and try my hardest.

i am such an extremest and a exactest..everything i think in is extremems and many things are black and white which is hard to live with when life is not that way. its the way i am i need to work on being more aware of that.

i think my guy friend and i will be ok i just hope that it doesnt take the rest of the time i am here for us to be ok. i want to be ok now. i am ready to be normal cool kenna again, but im a little affraid that he might have a hard time and hesitate with me, which i mean who wouldnt i might explode again right? ha ahahaha but im not worried that i will because i wont, i just want things to be ok again.

i realized i care so passionately about so many things, but most of them are the wrong things to care about... and i dont care passionatly enough about the important things like family, or time. i care about whether my friends lets me sleep next to him, or if he calls me or if he texts me or stupid bull crap like that.. life is so fragile and i spend it being dramatic and insane and immature, and selfishly and its just dumb. i hate it. i really just want to be done with it all.. and i guess you could say that i am, but there is still some fear there. and i wish there wasnt. but ya thats all that has gone down. went to church in the hollywood ward today in LA and it was awesome i liked it alot