Time and learning.

It's been a long time since I posted anything, which is fine but I felt like it tonight. I was just thinking about how I've learned that though it is a good thing to be the kind of person that is open and trusting to people there is a price that comes with that. Or maybe it's just my own situation and personality that seems to have to pay this certain price for it? hmm. Don't know. But I realize I don't want to get hurt anymore. I say this not in the way where I am some chick flick girl who is all bent out of shape because boys don't like her or because her boyfriend dumped her. I mean it in the sense of relationships in general. All kinds. I feel like I expect from myself a lot in relationships and when I don't meet those expectations than I beat myself up for a few days and then out of exhaustion and frustration I say screw it, I don't have to be perfect. I justify my poor behavior that doesn't meet my expectations, however; I expect the same amount from those I am friends with. And often is the case, due to the difference in expectations/people/ perspectives/ definitions of the relationship etc these people do not meet those expectations and this leads to disappointed and hurt and sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, drama.

I am learning and haven't really figured out yet, that with many friends if not all I need to be able to assess? or at least recognize the level of 'relationship' this is for the other person. Almost all the time these relationships/friendships are more to me than they are to the other person, and it is there that the problem lies. That is where my 'hurt' becomes possible. I think if I could recognize the, I don't want to say level of friendships, but I don't know what else to call it right now. If I could recognize those levels than maybe I would expect what comes. I would expect when a certain friend treats me a little bit out of character or I would expect not to hear from a certain friend and have to be the first one ALWAYS to contact them. Or even better, maybe I would stop falling for the guys that are my friends that really never showed any interest in me and in turn start only liking guys who flippin like me back! ha!

Who knows, maybe it's pointless. Maybe it is who I am and theres nothing I can do about it. (although, I don't really believe that at all)

Also I have learned that I try to hard most of the time. In everything. When I am not trying I do just fine. Though there are still some area I need to test to make sure that applies to them.

I'm starting to feel more and more not in control. I feel like I can't control anything, that it's all just pretty much figured out. That yes I have agency, but God knows what I am going to choose before I do, because he knows me so well. So he knows if I am every going to find someone to love and raise a family with, and he knows if certain friends in my past are truly going to continue to be important to me in the future. He knows all these big important things, and he just lets us make our choices until we get to what he knows we will eventually get to anyway. And most of those things I feel like I had no control over anyway, so why try. Just let time take care of it and try and be good and make choices that don't make you sad. Make the choices that make you happy. and try different choices just to make sure you aren't missing out on something that you think won't make you happy but really it's just cuz you don't know what it will do. (not including things like drugs etc)

And WHY are people in your life at the time they are? I mean of course because you can learn form them, but I can learn something from everyone, so why is that particular person in your life at that particular moment? why not someone else who would teach me the same gosh darn lesson that this person could, but yet they are the ones in the moment with you. And why do some people have to be alone for so much of there life? or those who have been abused or suffered so much in their life? Why are these things so off balance?

If Christ was running the show would it all just be more balanced? will those women who have no husbands be given a husband? Sort of like polygamy? Ugh. Really these things are not the biggest deal just thoughts.

Tonight I talked with some friends about the after life and my beliefs compared to theirs. All I have to say is I am so glad I know what I believe, and it's good to believe something so much that you almost want to say I KNOW that this is the way it will be after we die. Among other things I feel I know and are true. It's so good to feel so secure there. It's another reason religion is good for society whether its right or wrong.

well I think thats all for now. I am tired. Night.