To Lindsey.... So we can keep in touch! :)

Ok so this is my first blog, and i am writing mostly for Lindsey because she and i are so bad at keeping in touch with one another. The last time I saw her she didnt live in the same apartment and her hair was a foot longer and auburn instead of blonde. So pretty much I am dedicating this first post to her, however if any one else reads it i simply warn that it might not make a lot of sense.

Ok so lindsey, the last thing i told you, if i remember correctly about the Big B, which is by the way what we are calling him, or 'stupid boy' but that is only when i feel childish. ;) if i remember right the last thing i told was, actually i dont remember what i told you at all, luckily it does not matter. The gist of it all is that his missionary comes home on friday, and the time before the last time i hung out with him he said that he didnt care about me. Let me explain. So one sunday about 2 sundays ago, i was kindly and friendly informed that he had decided that it was rediculously restricting and silly of him to commit himself to this girl coming home. I think it was a good decision one he should have made some time ago, but i didnt get the impression he was telling me in a way that was hinting, but why else would he tell me that right? so that sunday we began to start to make apple dumplings, (we tend to cook together, which i love and hate at the same time) and it was pure fun, i was not letting things get awkward of too touchy. however he had a meeting so we didnt finish so after our ward choir and what not we went back over to his place to finish the dumplings. however, when he came back over he was all in a different mood and i figured he was tired or something, well just like it always is the elephant can't stay hidden forever so he began by saying why are you still around? which automatically pissed me off. i mean your basically saying i dont want you to be around, but instead of saying that you ask the question. lame. so to make a long night short, we were walking home and i was so angry that i told him to just say it out loud that we have no hope, that there is no hope in the future for us, so he did. which i assumed was the truth but to hear him say it, though necessary, hurt more than i thought it would. so he then told me to tell him to stop leading me on. which i did with a load of disgust for him. and then he went away and i layed on the cement and cryed like a dramatic movie from some twisted chic flick. and after discussions with one of my new favorite people, madelyn, i decided i was going to fake it till i made it. I was going to pretend i was completely good, that he didnt affect me at all, even though it did. now you know how bad i am at following my own rules, so it took me a little bit but i am pretty good at it now. well so i saw him a few nights later and he told me i was no longer a 'threat', threat to what im not sure, something about his missionary or maybe just to him being happy because lets be honest i, thanks to the many wonderful people in my life, am awesome. ;) i asked him why i was no longer a threat and he told because he didnt care anymore, that if 'this' was going to go on, it was up to me, i asked what This was he said us hanging out, this ticked me off, so basically if i didnt put any effort in we would just become aquaintances. which is lame, and stupid, and immature! the rest of that night was really fun, and since then we have hung out one eveing and it was all fun, in fact i was not that nice to him, which i think he sometimes needs because he is a little cocky sometimes.
so now? you ask, well i dont know, i dont know that even if he came crawling back if i would take the chance. but ultimately it doesnt matter because he has decided to be weird sometimes and not. Ultimately i need to just move along completely but i cant figure out how to move along and also remain civil and friends with him. i told my dad what he said about not caring about me and he said that he was a coward and using an escapist answer. which made me and my mom laugh, but i doubt would make him laugh.

he is a great guy, dont get me wrong, but i think my biggest frustration is i can still see the potential picture in my head that is not perfect but looks like something i would want, but unfortunately that picture is only seen by me not him.

i spole today in church on choice and accountability and it was pretty good, my whole family came up to listen and then we all went out to lunch which was nice even if it was a sunday. my roomate amelia was so mad at Big B supposedly the entire time i spoke he looked down at the floor and couldnt look at me. Which makes me curious to why, i mean why? hmmmm well other than that i am good. school is wrapping up and i am pulling to get a good grade in my major class but enjoying time and people here too!

lindsay from new york is coming the beginning of dec for my birthday so that is great!!! and i am taking a photography class this next semester, and getting a new camera for christmas, its a really fancy one, and im paying for the fancy.

so now i want you to email me or comment back and give me the DL about you and Tyler!!!

love you.