mental and spiritual stimulation

ya this might not be that exciting to read, then again i dont think too many read this. But tonight in institute we talked about forgiveness then we talked about those of us who live the gospel and feel that life just never gets better, or mostly how the more 'wicked' a person seems the better their life seems and just how backwards that seems. I got thinking about one of the examples brother jacobs said, he told us of a girl who said she had always done what was right and yet her roomate who was always doing things that were not good was the one who was getting asked out and who seemed to be floating through life. I related somewhat, God knows my life has not been perfect but i do feel that i have made peace with my past and that the person i am today is not the person i was before, therefore i am not to be judged by who i was only who i am today.

so i still relate, and yet i didnt know what kind of an answer i would give to this girl or to myself. I mean we talked of reasons, we talked of how there must be oposition and how things that are rough make us strong and about how the wicked will get their reward that our reward in the end will be greater. But it didnt make my heart that is acheing to move into the next phase of development, which according to eriksons stages of development would be the independance vs. intimacy. hahahaha gotta apply what i learn so i remember it right? pretty much i dont know what the answer is.

i guess this entire journey we are on is about being able to rise above all these physical and temporal desires and drives we have right? and that any time we 'endure well' the hardships, trials, or what ever we will be blessed.

of coures then we talk of being just and good, and to be that wouldnt you say your motives to do good and follow the lord would be for being good solely? i mean should't i want to do something because i know its good and right rather than because i know it brings blessings. I realized i started the habit of going to the temple once a week, not really understanding how that would bless my life but knowing that is what people say happens. what a terrible selfish reason to do the work of the lord right? i mean the higher motive, the motive that those who will enter the kingdom of God will have learned is to do good for the simple reason to do good. I realize i am not who i can be yet, but i see how each choice turns my character toward one that is in harmony with god, his other creatures and itself, or one that is not in harmony with god, others and itself. and because of this wonderful lesson and gift i realize that life is actually partly about change.

it is about us changing who we are now to something better tomorrow. it is about achieving that place at the 'end' of this journey that will ultimately give us the chance to continue on the next path or journey. I guess that i should be greatful for the trials and struggles i face, because they are providing opportunities to choose to change my being, to be even more than i am. perhaps i just need a change in perspective to see my struggles as blessings. these are my aspirations in a spiritual, moral, sense. I only hope things will continue down the right path and that at some point i will get to have a companion. its like the game of life, i always was the last one to get a partner in my little car, hehehehe but i did get to do some pretty cool things others didnt. and they had way more bills than i did for a lot longer.. hahahahhaa life is pretty good to me.

i have also decided i want to emmerse myself in the amish culture even just for a little bit, i wonder if they would let me. to just see their way of life and feel what their life is, even just a partical. they sure have some things figured out i would love to figure out.