whos insane? oh me? right right i know your right

ya the past two months has been crazyness.. the first month out here was great because I got to see my friends alot and they were fun but my best friend was so preoccupied with her fiance leaving for afganistan i was alittle attention hungry and felt like I was just in the background but I was at least not a crazy person at that point. Then right when he left I started being crazy. literally not myself. I also wasnt too concerned with attending church because the weekends were the time I could spend with my friends. which is terrible because that was seriously one of the only things i felt before i came that i needed to not compromise my priorities well i didnt listen to that and i think that is partly why i started letting myself get crazy. I also started to have some pretty strong passionate feelings for my friend who I was in love with a few years back in NY. and that always causes problems because he is not interested like that back at all. He loves me as his friend but we really would not make one another happy at all. he also pretty much only knows crazy mckenna rather than the fun loving, easy going, confident mckenna that i can be. but that caused some problems and i just went down into this spiraling pit of depression. I felt guilty for puting church on the back burner and I was mad at myself because I thought i had made all these efforts to be a 'differen't person the kind that doesnt flip out over stupid things and is confident and here i was being worse than ever. and I felt guilty because i didnt want to go to church and so I wasnt reading scriptures or really praying hardly ever and i was letting so many fears enter my head, like the fear that katie and ben were going to get married and then me and katie wouldnt be best friends anymore and the fear that all my friends out here would go away and not be my friends anymore because I was still this dramatic crazy lady and on top of that i had to face the reality, for the second time, all because of me which didnt help my depression, that the man i was letting myself be in love with again will never work out with me. plus i was doing everything wrong not once did i do something right. everytime i went to see him we had to have some stupid chat and I ended up making stupid little things a big deal. which then after we chatted and i felt better about what we woudl chat about i would then only feel more guilt for having to have done that and not just having fun. so i was starting to feel pretty shitty. and i didnt know how to stop. I felt like my friends were frustrated with me and sick and tired of my crap and fed up with trying to tell me how to fix it because they did try but it was like i heard them but couldnt figure out how to just DO what they were saying. the other night was pretty bad i havent cried so hard that i thought i was gonna throw up but i did that night. and i understood a sliver of the ugliness you have to feel when you consider dumb things like suicide and what not. i wasnt thinking of doing it just i understood the mindset a pinch of what it takes. it was bad.

i also have been dealing with church stuff. i think because i have been doing all the right things out in logan, temple weekly scriptures church firesides all that crap it was a huge thing to have something so drastic happen, even tho it was my fault it happened. but i was so unhappy and my friend suggested that it was my faith that made me unhappy, so i thought fine im gonna put it aside and live life like its not there. i didnt go get drunk and do drugs or have sex or anything but i didnt think about god and i didnt read or do church.. and can i tell you it was worse. it didnt get better. i bore my testimony in church because katie went with me and she was like are you gonna get up there? are you? and i was like dang it fine ill get up there and it was pretty much a confession that nothing made sense to me anymore and all i knew was that i had missed some of the foundational things like my relationship with god and christ and that that was where happiness comes from. eternal happiness i think is what makes our religious gospel so true, but happiness here in this life i dont think has anything to do with the gospel you affiliate yourself with its about your relationship and honesty with yourself, the world around, you and you father and brother in heaven. i realized that i still cant answer like any questions about anything that my friends ask me because i just cant remember or learn every little thing about our doctrine of why we do what we do, but i do know that it brings happiness to me. it doesnt make things perfect but it makes me happier if i go and try my hardest.

i am such an extremest and a exactest..everything i think in is extremems and many things are black and white which is hard to live with when life is not that way. its the way i am i need to work on being more aware of that.

i think my guy friend and i will be ok i just hope that it doesnt take the rest of the time i am here for us to be ok. i want to be ok now. i am ready to be normal cool kenna again, but im a little affraid that he might have a hard time and hesitate with me, which i mean who wouldnt i might explode again right? ha ahahaha but im not worried that i will because i wont, i just want things to be ok again.

i realized i care so passionately about so many things, but most of them are the wrong things to care about... and i dont care passionatly enough about the important things like family, or time. i care about whether my friends lets me sleep next to him, or if he calls me or if he texts me or stupid bull crap like that.. life is so fragile and i spend it being dramatic and insane and immature, and selfishly and its just dumb. i hate it. i really just want to be done with it all.. and i guess you could say that i am, but there is still some fear there. and i wish there wasnt. but ya thats all that has gone down. went to church in the hollywood ward today in LA and it was awesome i liked it alot

today

its been a little bit since I have updated this. Lots has happened. But today something worth recording happened within me. I was reminded of me. Of God. Of love. Of the life I have had. Of what works. Of what I know. I spent the last bit pushing for what I want. The man I love to love me back the way I want, to be able to do whatever I want with no responsibility, to ignore the things I know hoping they don't matter, bathing in the tub of self pity and drama hoping to receive the attention my brain convinced me I was lacking, etc. Today I walked into church and looked in the classrooms around me, and you know that part in movies that are good, the ones that tug at your heart, not because they are cliche or anything but because you see that part of life that we all seek for, the part of love and family that people in the movies sometimes find. The feeling portrayed through written scripts, hours of hard research and individual actors efforts, the skill and training of filming and technology, and the finished product of many peoples hearts and beings put together to form something that represents that part of life we all see flinting glimpses of and then spend the rest of our days looking for. That joy. The joy some find in their parents love, or the love of their brothers, or the joy found in the bibles words, or the joy you feel on a sunny day in a park filled with happy children, or the joy you see in a father and their daughter hugging, or the joy portrayed when a fathers son catches that football he has been tossing to him, or the joy driving down the coast with the windows open and great music blasting, or the peace from the waves at the beach endlessly splashing along the sand, or the beauty of a young girl walking down the street with confidence in herself, or the brightness of a man sharing his success with his loving wife and children. TV shows, movies, books, music, art etc. all of these expressions seek to hit this spot. That spot of joy and peace and love. I saw this as I walked into church today and peeked into the classrooms filled with friends, and families, and little ones crying for parents, or singing to the children's songs. I realized that there it was right in front of me in real life. Not in a movie where the scripts were written or the sculpture of a hard working artist, but in life, real and tangible life. and that it had always been right in front of me, and whether it was the lack of a movie trailer, or the glamour of famous people, I had missed it, I hadn't seen it before, and I now saw it and it hit me how attainable it all was, for me and for those around me.

I realized then that all my 'weaknesses' had come from the insecurities in my world. The fear, the lack of faith, the drama, the addictions, the immaturity, the selfishness, the inability to listen, the mistrust, the disbelieve, all came from the insecurities in myself. I sat down on the familiar bench and instantly felt the guilt over the past two months. The endless reactions from those insecurities, that had interrupted the potential of joy, peace and that love spoke of above. I felt the regret of forgotten security. I was reminded of my beauty. I was reminded of the worth I had found in the things I know. About me, about life, about my family and friends. I was, not with words or even just emotions, but with something else I was reminded of life. Of living. Of the joy I had seemed to not see from before. I saw the walls shielding the sun those walls I had put up myself, with the illusion from my own lies, and from the expectations one feels when they spend life wanting more. It became clear to me that I was seeking that sunshine from inside, expecting to stay inside the walls I had created and still somehow feel the warm rays. It sounds cheesy but its how I can express it.

Why do I forget what I know? Who I am? The truth around me? in those in my life, and in life itself? one could say I like to forget, or that I don't really know, or that my beliefs or the way I live life doesnt 'fulfill' me or isn't me at all, or that I am just lying and that it's reality hitting me when I 'forget'. My heart knows it doesnt matter. It only matters that I continue to remember when I do forget. It only matters that today, today I felt what we see in those movies and entertainment and art. It matters only that I step outside again, expecting nothing, because once outside you instantly feel that warmth, and therefore no longer need to expect to find or not find it. you only need to feel it, and be grateful for it.

I found some of me today. Some of me that was always there but who I was ignoring. I thought for a moment my religious beliefs were not the path to my happiness, I saw today that my happiness is not contingent on anything outside of me, the organized religious affiliation/s, friends, family, money, weather, or belongings. It is only contingent on me. Adam fell that men might BE, and men ARE that they MIGHT have joy. I felt the truth of that today. I am sure there will moments I want to run inside again, when I feel like the sun is shielded by a storm cloud, or when I sit outside so long and the sun turns to night time, or when I simply begin to seek instead of just be, when I begin to think and live in my head rather than living in the truth of reality, or life. But today I found some clarity. I felt that clarity and for the first time since coming to california, I felt love for me from me, and from my father above. for the first time I felt the fear in me AND STILL smiled. It wasnt something someone said at church, or anything, it began with a simple pray. and the opening of my door. Some might think this is unnecessary to share with those of you have read this, but I am interested in you and your journey, I am interested in being me with you, and all this because of the Love and peace, and joy I felt today for me, which in turn makes me feel that for all those around me. I share this because I hope you will share your findings/realizations/experiences/joy with me also. Thank you for all your patience with me and with yourselves. And I thank whatever it is that led me to this day, for all of it, and mostly for the unconditional love of those who truly love themselves, and who truly love me, I hope to gain that ability more and more as I progress.

update .... its the only kind of date i got

its been a while since I left anything on here. not that there has been a ton that has happened. but I have learned some more things about myself. I had some tine 'Drama' with a friend a little bit ago, and this particular friend I tend to always have drama with and they always tell me I am dramatic, but really I don't feel like I'm as dramatic as they seem to think I am, but I realized I used to be all the time with them and now though I have changed in many other areas and have become less dramatic in those areas, I don't know how to be with this friend because all I have ever been in one thing. I realized with friendships that last, you start out in a role with each other, the older the younger, the one who cares the one who doesnt, the crush and the crushee, etc. and then because we change as we all do, it makes the friendship difficult because both parties are no longer the same and so those roles are no longer valid.

however, I dont think that the only option is that the friendship is over, or that the person necessarily has served their purpose in your life and now its time to move on. I think many times we have people in our lives who are only there to learn things from and then once you have they fall out of your life, but there are people who need to be in your life forever, and as things change so does the relationship. sometimes the change just happens naturally sometimes it takes effort.

I also learned about myself that I tend to panic, not like a outward panic, but like when I feel there are people who are slipping away from me, or perhaps like when things start to not go my way or i loose control, i tend to become extreme. If i think a friend is distancing themselves i over compensate by sending like 50 texts and calling too much and what not. Its all based on insecurity. I mean where does that insecurity come from? I mean seriously it doesnt matter who it is, or how much i already know they are there and will be no matter what, i still doubt. I hate being a doubter. But i also learned its all controled by my thoughts. i came back from vacation so down and in the dumps and upset with life and having to be in school and being single and my friends here not being really anything more than school friends, but i realized the only reason things were like that was because that is what my thoughts were doing.

i mean you can't change reality, but you can change how you react, feel and percieve reality by your thoughts, and its how we feel and percieve that leads us to our actions so if our thoughts are in line with optomisim, and channeled away from the negative thoughts that create unecessary darkness then life i feel might actually be easier. I then attended my seminary/institute class and it was reiterated there the power of thought. and I think that i truly feel this.

lots of learning. and now all i want is to go to california for the summer, work 40 + hours a week making money and then watching movies, and going to the beach with katie. I miss being so closely connected to people. I miss having those people to lean on when I can't stand alone. though my thoughts could help me not be miserable this summer if i stay home and just work with no friends, but i also know i wont have to work so hard to keep my thoughts positive if i am in california and with my friends.

so if you have really read all the way to this point and you happen to know of someone who wants their children watched, house cleaned and some help with rent and or utitilies and they live in southern california area or just a friend who needs a sublet for the summer give me a holler !!!! that would help me out so much!!!!!!

over due

So I have been reading this book and its not a mormon book, but I have found a lot of interesting things that I can see parallels with the church and it. I really like reading material and seeing movies and what not that are not really made by the church because there are so many people who spout and live and think the same things we do, yet they just don't think we are saying the same things, but a lot of it is the same. that being said, a lot is still different but I like to see the different ways to look at the same thing.

so this book is called A New Earth, its pretty good its by eckhart tolle. it's not a story book its one of those discussion new age books. but there was a passage that totally hit me the other day when i was reading at the gym.

"Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of the ego. You are closed. Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (which we could also call negativity) will creat more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side; (aka. God can't help you, or support you or comfort you when you close your self off to his love with the negitive thoughts you keep in your head and actions) life will not be helpful. If the shutters are closed, (our shutters that let in 'light' or you could say Christ, he did say he was the light of the world) the sunlight cannot come in. When you yeild internally, when you surrender, (come to Christ, commit to God, offer your will to his) a new dimension of consciousness opens up. (aka. a new sense of spiritual connection to that higher power/consciousness/god/enlightenment etc.) If action is possible or necessaryu, your action will be in alihnment with the whole (God) and supported by creative intelligence, (also God and Christ and their will's, which are the same purpose) the unconditioned consciousness which is a state of inner openness (as christians we call this humilty, and spiritually intune) you become one with. curcumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. (because you yourself are so open and willing to serve others and be served yourself, a princple Christ taught, and others) Coincidences (aka. miracles) happen. If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that comes with surrender. you rest in God."

I just loved this passage because here is this book that is not even written by my church and I can still recieve personal revelation that enlightens and motivates my spirit and person.

I spent a good month, (unfortunatley over christmas) where i just felt like sleeping, i was depressed. I wanted to be with my friends, i felt like my identity was somewhat diminishing because some of my friends were getting closer and I was missing out on the event. And half of my friends were getting engaged or seriously dating someone (the other half are now engaged) and I am not. I felt like I had the hardest semester ahead of me, it was cold and winter, and the friends I had were not really the kind where I just felt so connected to them. I was so engulfed in the throughts of my head i was resisting those that were trying to uplift me, those that provided advice to feel better, the ones who told me the honest truth that i was being silly that my friends did love me and that I simply needed to open my eyes and see it rather than talking to myself and my own thoughts.

This book mentioned this story of the author seeing on the subway in london this lady who was seriously talking in an angry way to empty seats next to her. The author followed her and the whole way she talked to the air, and when he realized she was going to the university library he himself was going to he was shocked to think someone like that would be going to a place like that. He then realized that we are all like this women, minus the fact we dont say everything we are thinking out loud. but how many times do you sometimes think something and realize you jsut said it out loud? the only difference is we stay in this social definition that says that is crazy to do. But really we are always 'talking' or thinking thoughts in our heads.

when i read this i realized how powerful these thoughts can be and how dangerous they can be if you let them take over your 'world'. I realized I was living in my thoughts and they were negative and not helping me progress to be any better or even just be. my head was identifying myself with negative things. I realized the only reason i felt so depressed was because somewhere in my head I got the idea that my identity, who i am, had to do with the people i knew, and my relationship status, and how close I am to my friends, and who much they love me. I realized that this was not me at all, in fact that was a lot of crap that was fuzzing the actual me.

I dont know I just liked that God was able to reach me in a way that provided truth that was not directly related to the church, and yet I was able to see the churches principles and doctrines that it teaches in this message. I feel like so many times people think that we as mormons only look for truth in our own church, and granted sometimes we do because we feel it is the clearest source you could say, but we forget there is so much beauty and truth out there that is all just saying the same thing. To love. To love god, to love your self, to love those in the world, to love those who were in the world, to love the earth, to love the life youve been given etc. and then to remember to give credit to the being who is responsible for it all. That is God. There are so many questions about why God does or doesnt do what he does. but sometimes those questions distract us from the greatest possble thing we can do and that is love him.

It sounds cliche and warm and fuzzy but its true and I just felt like adding to the piles upon piles of truth and testimony of truth.

the church i belong to, is something I treasure so much in my life, but ultimately it is the Love of God and when i Love him back that brings me happy, its simply that that love usually leads me to the Gosspel taught by the phrophets and appostles of the church of jesus christ.

New Years ....

So I felt that I needed to write some sort of New Years Resolution, hoping that by putting the effort to make it would help the chances of it all coming to pass in 2009.

And since Im pretty sure hardly anyone follows mine, i'm not worried about what I write :)

2008 was an interesting year. I can't even remember what I was doing last New Years, which pretty much explains the entire year. I spent 7 months simply working, or you could say waiting for school to start. Working at The Olive Garden, which became my life night and day. Then with the Highlight being the wonderful memories spent at EFY over the summer, and then finally school in the fall. But then what happened at school? I met some really awesome friends who I hope are still there when I get back and worked hard then not hard then kicked my butt to pass my classes. I got my car towed, got in a small car accident in the same day, had to pay 300 $ to get it out, and then drove through Sardine Canyon in a blizzard. That was the coolest event. My main goal was to get to school, to start the next chapter of my life and pursue this new road I felt was right for me. And I did that, and it was great, but I feel the year went by with not nearly enough to speak about it. OH i did stop biting my nails however, which if you know me that is a huge deal! I always bite my nails, but I did it to prove to myself that I have self control and I do, so now I just need to apply it to exercise, homework, eating healthy and scriptures etc.

so I guess that sets up a good segway to 2009 and my hopes for it. I am somewhat dreading this coming semester, knowing that it is going to be so hard and so much work and cold, and so many ppl are getting married, and I want so much and want to do so much. So the first thing I hope for it a different attitude, or more motivation. I need the motivation to keep pushing, even though I seem to feel so Blah. I hope not just to survive this next semester but I hope to survive and come out of it more educated and skilled, and filled with vibrance for life. Thats what I lack now.

I also hope to be more hopeful. In all catagories. I want to learn or rather feel that I have made progress with the instruments I am learning this semester. I want to LOVE photography instead of end up hating it because I might not b good at it. I want to feel good about me and what Im doing. Being Lazy just tends to make me feel too useless, so I want to be busy but not too busy to lend a hand or even just chat with a friend. I want to be braver than i was in 2009, not so affraid to take chances. I want to have more self disciplin in regards to homework, and movies, and TV, and spiritual and physical things.

I want to get EFY all summer! hahaha so that I can make the money i need by doing something so rewarding and fullfilling. I want to Get my fafsa filled out so fast and find out i get more financial aide this next year. I hope to learn a little bit more about who i am and in that reach for more. I want to get better at return and reporting. I want to enjoy the scriptures when i read them every morning. I hope to get better at mornin prayers. I hope to be more aware of the missionary moments im sure are around me that i miss. i hope to be more like the wife and mother i keep dreaming i want to be, now rather then when i actually am a wife and mother. I hope to loose the 'utah mormon' i seem to have adopted over the past year. I hope to find a way to be accepting and loving but also stand up for what i believe and show that it is the desire of my heart. I hope to be more devoute. I hope to learn with body mind and soul more fully the encompassing powers of the atonement. I hope to be someone who laughs when things go wrong and remembers to thank those deserving when things go right. i hope to find more answers for the questions i feel i need to know about myself and why i dont have all that i think i should. i hope to stop wishing for more and be content with what i have. i hope to be the kind of friend who is an example of love and give all the glory to him above. i hope to be the kind of person i look to. i pray and hope to be the person the lord looks to when he needs some help. I hope to be my testimony not just share it. i hope to be strong enough or solid enough in who i am and what i know in my heart that i will stop going for guys that dont like me and be ok enough to accept that without a long dramatic roller coaster ride. (dumb girls)

i hope to be kinder to my parents, remembering the things i am grateful for and the things that they do that make them such great parents. i hope to stop passing judgement and learn that there is more than i know.

i hope to take the opportunities i am given to be someone who wants to serve those around me. i hope to be more willing because it lifts another rather than because of my benefit.

i hope to see my NY family, and be a better example to them than i was before. i hope to share with them the changes ive made in me, and embrace their changes also. i hope to be loved by those i love, but to be loved for the right reasons. i hope to have more faith, in ALL areas and relationships in my life.

I hope that at the end of 2009 when i am 24 that i will believe christ and in myself more and that i will feel that though i might not have made perfect success that i can say i made progress and that i have come out closer to the will of my father which i trust is mine, a place and person of joy, laughter, peace, love, and happiness.

I told you i hoped and wanted alot. of course the number one thing i must remember is i cant do all this alone. and at this point in my life my companion is the lord and i hopefully will rely on him and lean to him when i cant find the strength, sense, or motivation to move along.

2009 will be a good year. its already decided now its up to me and my attitude to make that my reality. :)